Critical Drinker On Snow White: “Even Worse Than I Expected”
After years of train wreck anticipation, Disney’s live-action Snow White has finally opened to notably tepid business, earning a projected $45 million in box office, which puts it on par with the disasterous 2019 Dumbo remake.
Inevitably, the Critical Drinker has reviewed the movie, and, incredibly, he found it actually worse than he expected (which was plenty bad).
“The Snow White live-action remake was, without a doubt, one of the worst ideas in the whole history of entertainment, possibly the most predictable of all failures. A project conceived for all the wrong reasons, starring all the wrong people, pushing all the wrong messages, and telling the entirely wrong story.”
“Now that I’ve finally suffered through nearly two hours of Snow White, I can confidently tell you that, yes, this film absolutely lived up to all my worst expectations, and in some cases even exceeded them.”
“A bloated, overstuffed turkey of a production, weighed down by hammy acting, cheap costumes, horrendous CGI and vomit-inducing cinematography that bungles most of the elements it steals from the original animated movie, abandons its classic ideals of self-sacrifice, heroism and true love and, injects a lethal dose of The Message, which is so redundant and thematically contradictory that it just gets abandoned by the end.”
“It’s also laughably obvious where they’ve had to reshoot and rewrite big chunks of this movie in response to all the backlash. Entire subplots characters and setups are introduced and then abandoned without explanation, and the ending is so wildly anticlimactic and jarring that it makes World War Z look like a model of cinematic efficiency.”
“After wandering alone for a while, she runs into seven dwarves that I can only describe as the kind of thing that Cthulhu probably has nightmares about. I’m not kidding. Man, the brief glimpses that you got of these things in the trailers are absolutely nothing compared to the existential horror of actually witnessing them on the big screen. These are nightmares made real.”
Knowing the history of this movie and the Drinker’s coverage of it, you might be surprised that the one person he praises the most in this fiasco is none other than Rachel Zegler. “Credit where credit’s due here: She actually isn’t terrible as Snow White. I mean, her outfit looks like it cost like $100 off Amazon, her haircut makes Anton Chigurh like a cutting-edge trailblazer, her performance is a bit over-the-top and theater kid at times, and her American accent comes and goes depending on whether or not she’s in a re-shoot, but I do get the impression she’s at least trying to do her best with the material, and she can absolutely belt out the musical numbers, which is pretty much what you’d expect from a trained vocalist.”
“The same cannot be said for Gal Gadot, however. It genuinely pains me to say this, but I think we all need to come to the acceptance that that girl cannot fucking act. It takes a special kind of charisma, presence, and dramatic range to play a good Disney villain, and, well Gal Gadot doesn’t have it. Her delivery somehow manages to be wooden and scenery chewing at the same time, and when she has to deliver a big musical number, you can pinpoint the exact moment where they swap out her voice with someone who can actually sing.”
“The color scheme ranges from bleak washed out gray castles and towns that look like Zack Snder directed it to a kind of over-the-top golden yellow piss filter for the CGI woodland scenes that’s so excessive it actually makes your eyes start to hurt after a while. It’s funny as well, because there’s like one scene that was filmed on location in a real forest, and the contrast between that and the CGI fantasy version is so jarring I actually thought the action had shifted to a whole different country.”
“I couldn’t help wondering what is the film even trying to show us here. Snow White as a character seems to be all about equity and shared responsibility rather than privilege and greedy self-interest, but when it comes to the crunch, she ends up having to do basically everything herself, which negates the very point the movie’s been trying to make for the past two hours.”
“It’s this fundamental inability to understand what it’s even trying to say, beyond the crushingly tired princess who saves herself trope that’s now become the very cliche it works so hard to overturn, that proves to be the film’s real undoing.”
“In short, Snow White is a modern-day mess, a film that’s basically been a disaster from start to finish, and now that it’s finally out there and I’ve reviewed it, it’s something I’m very much looking forward to tossing on the ash heap of history.”
“Do yourself a big old favor, save yourself some time and money and go watch the original instead.”
“As a grandfather, as a father, as CEO of The Walt Disney Company, I believe there is no greater or more important task than ensuring the safety and well-being of our children. Those of us who are in positions to affect change, whether it’s by influencing laws or SHAPING CULTURE or supporting organizations on the frontlines, I think we have an extra responsibility.”
—Bob Iger
Movies are produced as a means of entertainment the audience. Audiences reward those most who entertain them best.
Disney seems to have lost sight of this simple metric. Instead, they see themselves as a “frontline organization” in the Culture Wars, making movie audiences ashamed of their cultural values.
Public shaming was an essential component of Mao’s cultural revolution. The Chinese people were made to feel mortification for their attachment to the old ways. All bonds with the past were to be severed and loyalty pledged to the New Order.
I will not speak Maoist shibboleths in an attempt to appease my detractors. I will not fund the destruction of my culture’s icons.
We must not yield to the pressure which demands we surrender our proud past as a means of expiating our historic sins. Take your stand, gentlemen. The enemy is ruthless and depraved but we are on solid ground and will win this fight.
So, the person who cast the movie should be fired. In fact any crew or extra;s should also be fired. The director especially should be fired because he must be blind and stupid. The reason I say all of this is because there is no way Wonder Woman is not the fairest of them all.
“As a grandfather, as a father, as CEO of The Walt Disney Company, I believe there is no greater or more important task than ensuring the safety and well-being of our children. Those of us who are in positions to affect change, whether it’s by influencing laws or SHAPING CULTURE or supporting organizations on the frontlines, I think we have an extra responsibility.”
—Bob Iger
Movies are produced as a means of entertainment the audience. Audiences reward those most who entertain them best.
Disney seems to have lost sight of this simple metric. Instead, they see themselves as a “frontline organization” in the Culture Wars, making movie audiences ashamed of their cultural values.
Public shaming was an essential component of Mao’s cultural revolution. The Chinese people were made to feel mortification for their attachment to the old ways. All bonds with the past were to be severed and loyalty pledged to the New Order.
I will not speak Maoist shibboleths in an attempt to appease my detractors. I will not fund the destruction of my culture’s icons.
We must not yield to the pressure which demands we surrender our proud past as a means of expiating our historic sins. Take your stand, gentlemen. The enemy is ruthless and depraved but we are on solid ground and will win this fight.
It helps that not only have Disney’s attempts to proselytize failed to be entertaining, they’ve also made themselves ridiculous.
So, the person who cast the movie should be fired. In fact any crew or extra;s should also be fired. The director especially should be fired because he must be blind and stupid. The reason I say all of this is because there is no way Wonder Woman is not the fairest of them all.