As he does at the end of every year, Dave Barry has produced an end of year roundup for your amusement and edification.
Is there anything positive we can say about 2021?
Yes. We can say that it was marginally better than 2020.
I disagree with this premise. As I suspect people who have to regularly buy gasoline and milk would disagree. And the 400,000 who died of Flu Manchu, or would object if they weren’t bleeding demised.
Granted, this is not high praise. It’s like saying that somebody is marginally nicer than Hitler. But it’s something.
What was better about 2021? For one thing, people finally emerged from their isolated pandemic cocoons and started connecting with others. Granted, the vast majority of the people who connected with us this year wanted to discuss our car’s extended warranty. But still.
Another improvement was that most stores got rid of those one-way anti-COVID arrows on the floor. Remember those, from 2020? You’d be halfway down a supermarket aisle, and you’d realize that you’d gone past the Cheez-Its, but you couldn’t turn around and go back because you’d be going AGAINST THE ARROWS, which meant YOU WOULD GET COVID.
Ha ha! Was that stupid, or what? Fortunately in 2021, we followed the Science, which decided that the coronavirus does not observe floor arrows. On the other hand, the Science could not make up its mind about masks, especially in restaurants. Should everybody in the restaurant wear them? Should only the staff wear them? Should people who are standing up wear them, but not people who are sitting down, which would seem to suggest that the virus can also enter our bodies via our butts? We still don’t know, and we can’t wait to find out what the Science will come up with for us next.
Anyway, our point is not that 2021 was massively better than 2020. Our point is that at least it was different. A variant, so to speak. And like any year, it had both highs and lows.
No, we take that back. It was pretty much all lows.
Snip.
The spotlight now shifts to incoming President Joe Biden, who takes the oath of office in front of a festive throng of 25,000 National Guard troops. The national healing begins quickly as Americans, exhausted from years of division and strife, join together in exchanging memes of Bernie Sanders attending the inauguration wearing distinctive mittens and the facial expression of a man having his prostate examined by a hostile sea urchin.
Snip.
MARCH
… Congressional Democrats pass the Biden administration’s COVID-19 relief package, which will cost $1.9 trillion, which the United States will pay for by selling baked goods to foreign nations. In a prime-time address after signing the bill, President Biden says there is “a good chance” that Americans will be able to gather together “by July the Fourth.” He does not specify which one.
Meanwhile, as millions more Americans are being vaccinated every day, medical experts on cable TV unanimously agree on the following facts:
— The situation is definitely getting better.
— Or not! There are all these “variants.”
— If you are vaccinated, you may resume leading a normal life.
— NOT SO FAST, BUCKO.
— At least we can stop wearing these masks pretty soon.
— Or maybe we should keep them on! For years!
— Although nobody knows why, since — to quote the CDC — “most of you morons are wearing them wrong anyway.”
New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo, whose leadership during the COVID-19 crisis has been (Just ask him!) so excellent that he was able to publish a book about how superbly he handled the crisis way before the crisis was anywhere near over, comes under intensified scrutiny over allegations of sexual harassment and under-reporting of nursing-home deaths. Cuomo resists calls for his resignation, but puts a temporary hold on development of a “Hamilton”-style musical based on his life (working title: “Cuomo”).
Snip.
On the wokeness front, Dr. Seuss joins the lengthening list of individuals who are deemed to be Problematic, which also includes George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Pepe LePew and Mr. Potato Head. Also people are starting to take a hard look at the Very Hungry Caterpillar, and if you have to ask why YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM.
International shipping is seriously disrupted when the Suez Canal, which a lot of us totally forgot about after ninth-grade history class but apparently is still a thing, is blocked by a massive container ship that became wedged sideways after the pilot attempted to take a shortcut suggested by Waze. After six days of frantic efforts, tugboats are finally able to free the ship, aided by an unusually high tide and what maritime experts describe as “a really big jar of Vaseline.”
Meanwhile the situation at the nation’s southern border rages out of control. We are referring here to Miami Beach, although things are also not great on the Mexico border. The big debate in Washington is whether or not to describe the border situation as a “crisis,” which is a solid indication of how likely Washington is to actually do anything about it.
Snip.
There is some welcome news on the COVID-19 front as the CDC declares that it is not necessary to wear a face mask “provided that you are fully vaccinated, and you are outdoors, and you are part of a small gathering, and everybody in this gathering has also been fully vaccinated, and all of you periodically, as a precaution, emit little whimpers of terror.” The CDC adds that “we, personally, plan to spend the next five to ten years locked in our bedroom.”
President Biden, in his first speech to Congress, promotes his infrastructure plan, which would cost $2.3 trillion, and his American Families plan, which would cost $1.8 trillion, with both plans to be funded by what the president describes as a “really big car wash.”
Snip.
In Congress, a group of Democratic legislators introduce a controversial bill that would add four justices to the Supreme Court. This bill is expected to be hotly debated, especially since, under a provision inserted by Sen. Edward Markey (D-Mass.) it would also permit the New England Patriots to have 15 players on the field.
The Census Bureau announces that some states will lose seats in the House of Representatives because of a nationwide population shift toward what demographers categorize as “regions with Waffle Houses.”
Snip.
MAY
…the CDC further relaxes its COVID-19 guidelines in response to new scientific data showing that a lot of people have stopped paying attention to CDC guidelines. At this point these are the known facts about the pandemic in America:
— Many Americans have been vaccinated but continue to act as though they have not.
— Many other Americans have not been vaccinated but act as though they have.
— Many of those who got vaccinated hate Donald Trump, who considers the vaccines to be one of his greatest achievements.
— Many who refuse to get vaccinated love Donald Trump.
What do these facts tell us? They tell us that we, as a nation, are insane. But we knew that.
In a chilling reminder of the U.S. infrastructure’s vulnerability to cyberattack, Colonial Pipeline is forced to shut down a major East Coast fuel pipeline after suspected Russian hackers break into the corporation’s computer system and obtain naked photos of top executives with a duck.
We’re kidding, of course. The duck was fully clothed. In any event, the pipeline is reopened after Colonial pays the hackers a ransom of nearly $5 million, thereby sending a stern warning to any would-be future hackers that this is an excellent way to obtain money.
President Biden proposes a fiscal 2022 federal budget of $6 trillion, to be raised by what the White House describes as “an exciting new partnership with Herbalife.” In other administration news, Major the former White House dog escapes from his rehabilitation facility and robs a convenience store.
Snip.
New York City holds a mayoral primary featuring several thousand Democratic candidates and an estimated one Republican. The big issue for voters is the rising crime rate, as exemplified by the discovery that Staten Island is missing. In an effort to make the election more exciting, the city decides to use a new “ranked choice” voting system scientifically designed to eliminate the possibility that anybody will ever know for sure who actually won. The Democratic front-runner is believed to be either (a) former police captain Eric Adams, who is the Brooklyn borough president as well as possibly a resident of New Jersey, or (b) the late Ed Koch.
Snip.
JULY
…as COVID-19, which we thought was almost over — this is like the eighth or ninth time we have thought this — appears to be surging again in certain areas because of the “Delta Variant,” which gets its name from the fact that it is spread primarily by fraternities. The problem is that many Americans have declined to be vaccinated, despite the efforts of pro-vaccine voices to change the minds of the skeptics by informing them that they are stupid idiots, which is usually a persuasive argument. In response to the surge, the CDC issues new guidelines urging Americans to “do the opposite of whatever we said in our previous guidelines, not that anyone is paying attention.”
Snip.
In other sports news, major NCAA rules changes allow college athletes to cash in on name, image and likeness for the first time ever, wink wink. The biggest beneficiary, signing a sponsorship deal estimated to be worth more than $100 million, is the University of Alabama’s highly touted incoming freshman quarterback, Tom Brady.
Meanwhile the Cleveland Indians, responding to mounting public pressure, announce that they are officially changing their name to the Washington Redskins.
The month ends with the Delta-variant surge worsening, bringing back mask mandates and social-distancing requirements as health experts, government officials and the media join together to convey the following clear, consistent and reassuring message to the public:
— You should get vaccinated, because the vaccine will make you safe.
— But remember that even if you get vaccinated, you can still get infected.
— Also you can infect others and kill them.
— So just because you’re vaccinated, don’t go around thinking you’re safe.
— NOBODY IS SAFE YOU FOOL.
Snip.
AUGUST
… is the withdrawal of American forces from Afghanistan, a country that, thanks to 20 years of our involvement, has been transformed — at a cost of many lives and more than $2 trillion — from a brutal, primitive undemocratic society into a brutal, primitive undemocratic society with a whole lot of abandoned American military hardware lying around. Most Americans agree that we have accomplished our mission, which is the same mission that the Russians had in Afghanistan before us, and the British had before them; namely, to get the hell out of Afghanistan.
The Biden administration, noting that the president has more than 140 years of experience reading Teleprompter statements about foreign policy, assures everyone that it has a Sound Exit Plan allowing for Every Possible Contingency, and insists that the withdrawal is going well. This assessment is confirmed by observers on the ground, particularly Jen Psaki, with the ground in her case being the White House Press Briefing Room. Observers who are actually in Kabul paint a somewhat darker picture of the withdrawal, more along the lines of what would have happened if the Hindenburg had crashed into the Titanic during a soccer riot.
It is a tragic time for America, particularly our military, but it is also a time when we are reminded that when things go bad, we are a nation whose leaders can be relied upon to step up and not take personal responsibility. The Biden people blame Trump, for naively making a bad deal with the Taliban; the Trump people blame Biden, for botching the exit.
So in the end — this is the beauty of our current political environment — everybody has somebody else to blame, and nobody is responsible. American leadership has come a long way since the days of Dwight Eisenhower, who, on the eve of D-Day, wrote a short, plainly worded letter, to be published if the invasion failed, in which he said that the blame was his alone.
What a loser.
Snip.
The month ends with major drama in Washington, where Democrats are locked in a vicious ideological battle with… OK, basically with themselves, over how to pass two spending bills, one for infrastructure costing $1 trillion and one for miscellaneous items costing $3.5 trillion, which sounds like a lot of money until you understand that the entire amount will be funded by leprechauns. It’s an exciting time to be alive if you’re the kind of person who enjoys — And who doesn’t? — interminable slogs through an incomprehensible legislative process.
The excitement continues to build in …
OCTOBER… as the Democrats spend the entire month engaged in increasingly frantic efforts to reach some kind of budget agreement with themselves, even going so far as to consider reducing the $3.5 trillion to only $1.75 trillion, which in Washington is viewed as barely enough for gratuities. Meanwhile the Republicans, led by Mitch McConnell, sit around getting pedicures. President Biden, for his part, takes several trips to Delaware. Vice President Harris also engages in important activities.
But the big story is the worsening economy, which is showing a number of disturbing trends:
— Inflation continues to be a pesky problem, with food prices soaring and gasoline approaching $4 per gallon everywhere in the nation except California, where, for environmental reasons, it is $137.50.
— The labor shortage has become so severe that for the first time since it began keeping records, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, which produces a monthly report on the nation’s employment situation, does not have enough workers to produce the monthly report.
— U.S. consumers are seeing more and more empty store shelves caused by disruptions in the supply chain from China, which despite being our global arch-enemy currently manufactures every product consumed by Americans except Zippo lighters. Economists warn that the supply-chain problems threaten to put a damper on the holidays, a time when Americans traditionally gather together in big-box stores to fight over TV sets.
Speaking of threats: American military and intelligence officials express concern over reports that China has tested a nuclear-capable hypersonic missile, although a Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesperson states that it was “probably a bat.”
In other disturbing developments, Facebook suffers a worldwide outage lasting several harrowing hours, during which billions of people are forced to obtain all of their misinformation from Twitter. Later in the month Facebook Chief Execudroid Mark Zuckerberg announces that, to better reflect Facebook’s vision for the future, the parent company is changing its name to the Washington Redskins.
Snip.
In federal-budget news, congressional leaders, facing what we are required, by the rules of professional journalism, to describe as a Looming Deadline, work feverishly to prevent an unprecedented partial shutdown of the government for the 27th or 28th time. Finally they hammer out a deal under which the government will be temporarily funded via a loan from an individual named Vinny, to be repaid in cash by Feb. 18 or else Vinny takes legal possession of the nuclear aircraft carrier of his choice.
No, that would be insane. Although not as insane as the way we actually fund the federal government.
The big economic story continues to be inflation, which is the worst it has been for decades, with the hardest-hit victims being low-income consumers and major college-football programs, which are being forced to pay tens of millions of dollars to obtain the services of even mediocre head coaches. In another disturbing economic development, the Federal Reserve Board issues a formal statement admitting that it has no earthly idea what a “bitcoin” is, and it’s pretty sure nobody else does either.
Snip.
Finally, mercifully, the troubled year nears its conclusion. As the nation prepares to celebrate New Year’s Eve, the mood is subdued and thoughtful. People are still getting drunk and throwing up, but they’re doing this in a subdued and thoughtful manner. Because nobody knows what 2022 will bring. Will it suck as much as this year? Will it suck more? Or will it suck a LOT more? These appear to be our choices.
Read the whole thing.
Happy New Year!
Tags: Andrew Cuomo, Center for Disease Control, coronavirus, Dave Barry, Democrats, Joe Biden, Satire, Washington Redskins