Here is a long, thoughtful essay on Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg’s appearance before congress.
Ha, just kidding! Work and taxes are sucking up all my time, so have a shotgun scatter of links, tweets and memes on the same subject:
Facebook Staffers Coach Mark Zuckerberg On Humanlike Behavior Ahead Of Congressional Testimony https://t.co/AmphKTyVXa pic.twitter.com/nkZlyG8tWK
— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) April 9, 2018
According to sources from within Facebook headquarters, interns and staffers at the social network were training Mark Zuckerberg on how to act human ahead of his expected congressional testimony this week.
The team of employees instructed the Facebook CEO in disciplines like smiling without looking like a robot, laughing at the correct moment, and not calling everyone he meets a “pathetic meatsuit.”
“Try to blink every few seconds—no Mark, not that rapidly, that looks creepy,” one staffer said while teaching him how to respond to questions while appearing to be a real flesh-and-blood person with emotions and empathy. “Good, that’s—that’s almost passable, Mark. Great job. Now let’s work on getting rid of your vacant stare that’s obviously bent on world domination.”
Staffers also had to focus on the Facebook CEO’s vocabulary. Many of the interns present were forced to continually remind Zuckerberg not to use phrases like “you stupid dumb#$%^” and “flesh-covered weaklings” while addressing members of Congress.
“We didn’t have a lot to work with,” Facebook’s human behavior specialist told reporters. “He kept using terms like ‘assimilate all earthlings,’ ‘world conquest,’ and ‘everyone will die in a fiery death but I will go on.’ I think we’ve made a lot of progress, all things considered.”
There is a 100% chance Mark #Zuckerberg is a robot 😂 pic.twitter.com/KkXiInctXh
— Mike Tokes (@MikeTokes) April 11, 2018
Let us be clear; @facebook has NOT communicated directly with @DiamondandSilk. We haven't spoken to Mark Zuckerberg or any representative from Facebook. pic.twitter.com/GthvutECRa
— Diamond and Silk® (@DiamondandSilk) April 10, 2018
"Community" is such an amazing euphemism for "database."
— Ian Bogost (@ibogost) April 10, 2018
FLASHBACK: Podesta emails reveal that Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg wanted Hillary Clinton to win "badly", provided research to her in March 2015 and met privately with her on multiple occasions. #Zuckerberg pic.twitter.com/So6te7BUPw
— Ryan Saavedra 🇺🇸 (@RealSaavedra) April 10, 2018
Zuckerberg Loses Contact Lens During Senate Hearing Revealing Horrifying Lizard Eye https://t.co/jYhTrRViWK pic.twitter.com/Q2HAvqGrhz
— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) April 10, 2018
#Zuckerberg Banned German Historian for Saying 'Islam Is Not Part of German History'https://t.co/rf40HolnHn
— Ryan Saavedra 🇺🇸 (@RealSaavedra) April 11, 2018
Same expression Jeffrey Dahmer had as he contemplated the taste of human flesh for the first time… pic.twitter.com/a6BiFcvKv4
— James Woods (@RealJamesWoods) April 11, 2018
And here’s Ted Cruz grilling Zuckerberg.
Tags: Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, technology, Ted Cruz, video